So here is my current dilemma, a bit of first world problems if I must say so myself but it’s seriously a real issue for me. I am going to go ahead and validate my own feelings that this problem is really real for me at the moment and I am struggling to find a balance with it.
So for all my life, I have been the person that would bend over back and be nice to people. I struggled to say no so that’s probably why people thought I was so nice. I was obsessed with the idea of being liked by everyone. I would go above and beyond to be nice to people so they would like me so they can validate this characteristic about myself that I so much desired. I would put aside my personal needs & interest just to be nice. Now I am not saying, I was being nice just to labeled nice. Deep down, I am truly kind and nice person. It’s just there are times where you have this internal conflict with yourself where you’re like, ugh I really do not want to do this but I know so and so would really appreciate it and it would make them super happy…but guess what? It cost a price to make someone happy. It meant a lot of times, I was unhappy and then I got resentful because I didn’t quite know how to set my own personal boundaries or say no to shit I hated. I have so many relationships in my life where I am so resentful but then I also know that it’s also my fault for not setting boundaries. At the same time, shame on those people as well for taking advantage of my lack of boundaries and using it to their advantage.
So here I am, after a year in therapy woohoo, I have been working very hard on setting boundaries, saying no to stuff I hate, not feeling guilty when I let someone down. Let me be honest, the guilt trip was real…especially when people were upset about me saying no and didn’t expect it so they legit took me on a guilt trip so they can get their way.
But my problem is now that I am “therapized”, I am really struggling with transitioning into this new identity with my new boundaries set and being more assertive in my life. I am afraid that by practicing these things, I will upset a lot of people who are close to me because I have bent over backwards for a lot of these people. I was so hung up on the idea of being nice that I forgot to put myself first. And now that I am going to do that, it’s really scary for me to be me and take care of me because of the fear of what people think. I know, I know…I shouldn’t care what people think. Have you tried doing that lately? Yeah easier said than done.
A while back my husband mentioned this quote to me and I didn’t quite get what he meant until now. I did have a serious problem…I was obsessed with being liked and I was obsessed with what people thought about me. But these days, I am going to say what I mean and mean what I say because I am sick and tired of being liked. I just want to be me and I want to be liked for the person I am, with boundaries, assertiveness, and all.
So if you know me, and you care for me, please please please be understanding when I am setting my boundaries with you. Please don’t be upset when I turn you down or can’t help you. Please know it took a lot out of me to say no or set those boundaries. Please be kind and tell me you are proud of me for being assertive and putting myself first. That is all I ask.
I know for a fact that I am not the only person who feels this way. So if you do feel this way, we should have coffee ❤